“Oh what I want to know, where does the time go?”

Is having children in your thirties what makes you nostalgic and wonder what the hell happened to your twenties, which seems like a lifetime ago and just yesterday all at the same time?

Why is it that a simple song can send you back 12 years so much so that you can smell the ocean, hear the waves crash, feel the rocking of the boat and taste the Coors Light in your mouth?

Even living in a completely different place doesn’t matter, all of a sudden you’re there, at the barbecue, the bar, the house party with tan lines, natural (and artificial) highlights in your hair and an underlying shred of unwarranted self-consciousness leftover from one tumultuous relationship or another.

Fun times, right?

Dave Matthews, 50 Cent, Jack Johnson, Jimmy Buffet, it didn’t matter. Thank God for mixed CD’s to keep up with our roller coaster of emotions. “Say Goodbye” transports me back to a specific kitchen and a specific cookout on the Cape. I don’t even know if it was actually playing at the time, but for some reason it fits with the mood of the memory.

There’s just something about the freedom we felt and the carelessness we had that we’ll never get back because we’re moms now!! We have human beings who rely on us to keep them alive and thriving!

We used to wonder if the new perfume we bought would catch a specific guys attention or which sunglasses made us look hot but also that we weren’t trying too hard (I always went with aviators). How many calories were in a bottle of wine versus 5 beers. How long would you have to go nowhere on an elliptical to burn off a bagel.

You know, the important things in life.

On the rare occasion that I’m in the car without either of my children or my husband, I find myself turning the volume up almost as high as it will go and mumble the (incorrect) words to Can I Kick It by Tribe Called Quest and envisioning myself driving to pick up a girlfriend and a couple bottles of Prosecco instead of going through the Starbucks drive-through on our way to the grocery store or OBGYN.

I’ve even called some old girlfriends just to check and see that they d o the same thing. Maybe it’s a different song they choose, but it’s confirmed, nonetheless.

What is it about a few years of marriage and a couple of children that makes you secretly yearn for your previous life of free falling inconsistent blissful chaos? Even if that nostalgia only lasts for the length of that song (because we don’t ACTUALLY want to go back there, that place was a MESS).

Being a mom and a wife has made me uncharacteristically (and shamefully) proud of the fact that I used to torture guys I casually dated just to see how far I could go because I was tortured too, at one point.

I took my anger and broken heart out on innocent bystanders with good intentions.

Maybe I should create my own 12 step program and start an apology tour?

All of the memories in my twenties, the good, the bad, the ugly are crammed up in my subconscious mixed with chardonnay and tequila shots and they rear their (sometimes ugly) heads on solo car rides sending me reeling back only to be rudely awakened by the bright lights of the green and white Starbucks mermaid glaring, reminding me that I’m no longer a 20-something tan, skinny blonde whose only real worry is if 20 minutes on the elliptical was long enough or if I should work a couple extra hours that week to actually fill up my gas tank.

So ok, we’re not 20-something anymore.

Our old worries are replaced with new (much larger) worries and those cut off shorts will have to remain at the bottom of the pile of clothes we’ll never wear again but refuse to throw away.

So, is it weird to miss those days sometimes? Maybe just for solo car rides.

Thank God for Dave Matthews and Tribe.

We haven’t actually spoken in 4 months, but can I vent for a minute?

I’ve made it no secret that living far away from my family and friends I grew up with is not easy.

Being married and having children can be, shall we say “Trying”? at times, and for some reason, most of us are afraid to share these difficult moments, days, weeks, MONTHS with each other.

Living in the south, I have found this especially true. There’s a certain level of politeness and there’s a façade of happiness wherever you go and whomever you may speak to.

Sure, anyone who’s married and/or has children will chuckle and say something along the lines of “motherhood isn’t easy!” Or “being married has its challenges!”

But what I’m looking for is more along the lines of “I think I might murder my husband unless someone gives me a Xanax.” Or “Is it normal for a 6 month old to scream like her crib is on fire when there’s NOTHING wrong? Someone help me!”

Why are we afraid to say what’s really going on?

I was sitting down in the break room at my old job shortly after I got married and just said quite plainly “I hate him. I really just HATE him” and everyone just kind of looked at me with either judgement or pity, I couldn’t quite make out there expressions. All I knew was, I was alone.

“No?” I asked. “No one else? We all love our husbands?” Ok. Noted. No further outbursts from me.

All I wanted was someone else to look at me and say “Girl, me too”. That’s it.

The thing is, I don’t actually hate my husband, I love him and don’t know what the hell I’d actually do without him, which is why I rely on about 3 or 4 friends I have back home who have known me and been through growing pains with me who I can call or text out of nowhere and just VENT. No judgement.

I can say things like “Remind me why we got married?” And I’ll get something back like “I’ve been wondering the same thing all week”. Or “You’re asking ME? I just told my husband to jump out of a moving car.” Simple. Honest. Real.

We just need to know that it’s ok to feel like this because everyone who’s married HAS to from time to time and if they don’t, they’re highly medicated or someone has to be cheating!

Some days, I have no patience and no more F’s left to give and need to just vent for a second until I feel normal again because other moms can relate!

Thank God for the girls I can text with any amount of momentary meltdowns and thank God they all share the same thoughts and feelings I have.

If you feel like venting about anything right this second, feel free to comment below and say whatever the hell you want! The more, the merrier.

If you’re too embarrassed to share, that’s fine too, just know you’re not alone. You’re doing a great job and the genuinely happy moments, days, months are there too. We all have them! The good, the bad, the trying.

Even the most polite people with good hair and well-blended makeup have these moments but won’t admit it! I fear for when they’re 47 and can’t stand the façade that everything is perfect and they’re feet don’t hurt in those BCBG heels!

Don’t be that girl. Wear your Sperry’s. Text your girls. Have a glass of Prosecco.

Mini Paleo Fig Muffins With Vanilla Frosting

These are THE YUMMIEST muffins ever!! I got the great idea from “Eat Drink Paleo”

I made a few modifications, but didn’t use their topping recipe at all. I wanted something creamy and less sweet, so I made the paleo frosting, which is SO good and makes these muffins a real treat for dessert or with a cup of coffee in the morning (I did both:)

MUFFINS:

  • Palm Shortening to grease the muffin tins
  • 1/2 Cup Water (to soften figs)
  • 6 ounces of dried figs (about 3/4 cup or 10-12 figs)
  • 1 1/2 Ripe Banana
  • 3 Tbs. Coconut Flour
  • 2 Eggs
  • 1 Tbs. Vanilla Extract
  • 1/2 tsp. Baking Powder

Preheat oven to 365. Grease your muffin tins with the palm shortening. Cut the little stems off of the figs and put them in a small pan with the water. Heat on medium until they begin to enlarge and soften while you prepare the rest of your ingredients (stir occasionally).

In your food processor, combine the eggs, bananas, coconut flour, vanilla and baking powder. Blend on high until completely smooth. Remove the figs from the heat, take them out of the water and add to the other mixture in the food processor. Pulse on high again a few times until the figs are blended evenly in the batter.

Pour the batter in 6 of the cupcake holders (I add water in the empty holders). Bake for 22 minutes and allow to cool.

FROSTING:

  • 1/2 Cup Palm Shortening
  • 1/4 Cup Honey
  • 1 tsp. Vanilla Extract
  • 2 Tbs. Arrowroot Powder
  • 2 Tbs. Coconut Flour
  • 1/8th tsp. Salt (I used pink Himalayan sea salt)
  • 2 Tbs. Melted Coconut Oil
  • 2 tsp. Cashew Milk

In your mixing bowl, combine all ingredients except for the coconut oil and cashew milk. Blend on high speed until the batter becomes thick, like frosting. Turn the mixer to low and slowly add the coconut oil and cashew milk until blended completely.

Once the muffins have cooled a little bit (you don’t want the frosting to melt off) lather your preferred amount of frosting on each.

If you want to get REAL crazy in the morning, enjoy these with a mimosa, minus the O.J.